March 27, 2024
It was a sunny spring Saturday, and my husband wanted to drive up to our camp, a beautiful spot on a crystal-clear lake less than two hours away. I had errands to run and housework to do. You know, the usual Saturday activities.
I was also enrolled in an online MBA program with a whole lot of homework to complete over that weekend.
During that time, I shared with my husband that I needed to stay home for at least part of the weekend. He did not take my announcement well. He was angry and frustrated with me. Let’s just say the conversation did not go as I had planned.
I, too, was angry. I mean red-faced, foot-tapping, heart-pumping, kind of angry.
Why didn’t he understand that I had things to do? Why were his desires or needs more important than my own?
I dug in my heels and told him I was staying home until I had accomplished a set number of tasks. My husband left feeling extremely hurt, and trust me, he was very vocal about his feelings. He made sure to call all our family and friends to tell them how difficult I was being and get their “unbiased feedback.”
Naturally, “they” all decided I was being difficult and stubborn. I must “obviously not like going to camp” and was being unreasonable.
The truth is I love our camp. It is relaxing, quiet, and beautiful. I enjoy going there, but not when I have homework and errands hanging over my head. After the family left for camp and I received a few nasty text messages, I stumbled upon a quote while doing my homework that resonated with me.
“Stop being angry, start being accountable.”
And that was my “aha” moment.
At that moment I realized I was responsible for the earlier tense conversation. I had not been accountable, set my boundaries, or shared my needs with my husband prior to that conversation. He had been simply excited to drive to camp for the weekend.
The discovery hit me like a ton of bricks.
Then I realized I had not been accountable for my needs at work or home for some time. I had not shared with my CEO that I would not forfeit my values for the organization. Nor had I shared with my boss what I would and would not settle for regarding my job.
How could I be angry with them when I never showed up for myself? Why was I blaming them when I had not set those critical boundaries or expectations?
Suddenly, I gained a new perspective and began the challenging task of setting boundaries – first for myself and then with my family, my boss, and my coworkers.
Starting with myself was so important. If I could not keep my own boundaries, how could I expect others to keep mine?
I held myself to a minimum of eight hours of sleep each night, ensuring I had daily exercise and time to meditate. I chose things I had control over and could decide whether to honor my boundaries or not.
It wasn’t easy at first, but as I began to honor my boundaries, it became a little easier. I began making time for daily exercise, getting my homework started earlier in the week, and getting to bed half an hour earlier. After that, I began setting boundaries with my family and at work. I found that having some sort of plan or structure helped me to put boundaries into place and to honor them.
It was vital for me to be clear on what I needed to develop a healthy boundary and from whom. I also needed to think about how best to communicate it to others by setting clear expectations and a date to implement my boundaries. This development took some work and planning. In business, we call this the “work before the work.”
Let’s face it: you need a plan. Do you even understand what you are so angry or resentful about? Have you considered what you want or need to develop healthy boundaries around?
For example, maybe you’ve decided you never want to do work-related emails or receive texts from your boss on Saturdays. Or, you have agreed to have thirty minutes dedicated to some form of exercise every day and eight hours of sleep every night. Or to never, ever, ever attend another NASCAR event – not even for your best friend or partner.
If you are not clear on what you want or need, no one else can be either.
Spend a little time reflecting on what it is that you want or need the most. An excellent place to start is to think of what makes you feel the most resentful or unhappy.
Anger and resentment are often associated with unhappiness with how another person treats you, like when you feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. For example, a boss who takes advantage of your good nature and strong work ethic, a life partner who places their priorities before yours, or a coworker who does not consider your need for an appropriate and socially acceptable amount of personal space.
Be very specific and focus on the one or two things you feel would make the biggest difference in reducing your level of resentment and unhappiness with yourself or others.
Start small; you don’t have to take on everything all at once.
Even a seemingly trivial or insignificant boundary can have a significant impact not only on how you feel but also on your level of confidence. It will show you that you can change things for yourself, be happier, and have more control of your life.
It helps to set a date and time, then tell a friend or a coworker you trust. Write it down on a calendar, your journal, or perhaps a sticky note (I like hot pink sticky notes). This will help you be more accountable for setting and keeping your boundaries.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and the folks your new boundary will impact. They will most likely feel blindsided by your newfound need for self-care, “me time,” or because you are developing healthy boundaries with them. Remember, they are used to you always saying yes, being available to them, or putting their needs before yours. Be patient and loving. It will take them a little time to adjust to this new you.
Try your best to honor those new boundaries. You may have to make a few compromises the first few times you set those expectations with others, but it will be your choice. It will be intentional, and it will be a first step.
After you implement your new boundary, take time to reflect and assess how things went. Did things turn out as you expected? Did your communication strategy work? Did others support you or get angry?
What was your reaction? Did you cave, hold fast, or get defensive and hurl nastygrams around?
Do not judge. Just look at what transpired and make a few adjustments for the next day or week. Maybe you need to be more deliberate in your communication and expectation setting. Or perhaps you need a better plan for supporting your new boundary. For example, get your work clothes ready and lunches made the night before a workday to get that extra 30 minutes of sleep. Pack your gym bag and make sure it is in the car so you can stop at the local gym or park and get that walk or run in. Set a timer on your phone 15 minutes before you have to leave the office so you can finish on time.
It is essential to remember this is a journey. You got this.
As you progress with setting your boundaries, remember not to be all judgemental with yourself, but make sure to hold yourself accountable. Over time, it will become easier. Even a small change can have a big impact on your sense of well-being, happiness, and self-confidence.
Want to learn more about how to set and keep boundaries? Check out our official website; Delean Institute.
