April 21, 2025
Mean Girls, Why You Gotta Be So Mean?
Have you ever been the victim of bullying? I have, and it is pretty awful. Even though this happened to me decades ago, I still remember how it felt when the mean girls in my second-grade class gave me a hard time because I had worn my Brownie uniform to school for school picture day.
I thought I looked cute with my hair in a fancy do, and besides, I had a Brownie’s meeting after school, so it only made sense for my parents to send me along in my uniform.
Apparently not.
A girl named Lisa was the lead meanie. She asked me why I wore such a stupid outfit for school picture day. Then she laughed at me in front of the other girls in my class and asked them if they agreed. Lisa wore a pretty new dress with ruffles, and she felt that her outfit was the correct thing to wear for pictures.
Lisa was the ringleader of the cool girls in second grade, and I was not a member of that group. I lived on the other side of town from the popular girls, didn’t dress as well, and was a bit of a nerdy kid.
Lisa, the ringleader, didn’t stop there either. Her heckling continued onto the playground during lunch break. By the time I got home, I wanted nothing to do with my Brownie uniform or my second-grade school photos.
Even though I was only eight years old, I felt humiliated.
Fast forward to me being a mom with my own daughter, who was also bullied on the second-grade playground by girls she had known since kindergarten. She was getting bullied by girls who had played at our house, participated in sleepovers, and attended birthday parties with her.
And it happened again in fifth grade. That was when my daughter asked to transfer to a local private school with better values and was not tolerant of bullies.
She stood up for herself and did not let the mean girls get the best of her.
Mean girls don’t stop in schoolyards, I encountered them as an adult as well. The difference was that they were more passive and aggressive at work. These bullies were sneakier in their taunts and actions, such as a boss commenting about my attire in front of others with a smile and an evil look in her eye.
She was the same boss who would excuse me from meetings or not even invite me, although I was the leader for the topics being discussed.
My bully boss even ganged up on me with another woman executive who had just joined the organization. They decided to change my role and take away my operational oversight by keeping my title the same but marginalizing me. Together, they undercut my authority and my standing with leadership.
She was a classic mean girl.
I didn’t understand why she didn’t like me, appreciate my hard work, or be happy with my strong outcomes even though I was getting exceeds expectation on my performance evaluations.
I just kept wondering, “Why you gotta be so mean?’
We all know about people like that. They whisper to their neighbor behind their hands while staring right at you, manipulate conversation so they look good to the boss, exclude you from meetings (“Whoops, so sorry, not sorry.”), or give backhanded compliments.
Unfortunately, they are all too common in the workplace.
As women, we make up 50% of the workforce and get more educational degrees than men do. In a recent American Management Association survey, 93% of women voiced that they had felt under-minded at some point in their career by another woman.
But why? We would like to think that women would support and elevate other women. However, women are often harder on other women. Generally, this is linked to feeling inadequate or insecure, so bullying someone else makes them feel better about themselves.
There is also the whole concept of competition. Men generally feel more comfortable with being competitive in the workplace, and as a result, they will compete more openly.
Women often compete in a more covert or quiet way, like using social aggression and isolation to get the upper hand to push others aside to grab power.
They stay calm and professional, practice more relational types of aggression, and play favorites. These types of women may be awesome as they present in the boardroom or in front of the boss, then throw a cold and dismissive glance or comment to their coworker or dismiss other people’s ideas in a meeting.
These actions shatter workplace trust and create a toxic work environment.
What do you do if you face one of the mean girls? Understand the issues and be aware of the poor behavior. Remember, they obviously don’t feel very secure or happy about themselves. That is why they need to be mean to you, to feel better about themselves.
The actions of a bully boss are not about you or your abilities. Hang in there and focus on your work and the value you bring to your organization.
Work on building your resilience and confidence. Seek out friends and family members you can vent to and get support from while practicing self-care and self-compassion.
Model the behavior you want for yourself by lifting others up, supporting your coworkers, and celebrating their achievements. Be visible about your achievements and successes while adopting a mindset of abundance. There is more than enough work, success, and opportunities for all of us.
If the opportunity presents itself, ask her, “Why you gotta be so mean?” Most companies have values that do not support bullying or align with mean girl actions, so call the behaviors out when they are visible, and do values check with your teammates in a meeting. A human resource department can also be a good resource, not to tattle on the other person but to provide you with information and strategies to help you better navigate office politics. And if all else fails, you can always place an anonymous complaint with your compliance officer if it feels too scary and you fear retaliation.
Unfortunately, mean girls are a fact of life. They will present themselves in schoolyards, college classrooms, and the workplace.
Be the better person and practice empathy and compassion. Look for opportunities to celebrate your fellow coworkers, support them, lift them up, and foster relationships.
You got this!
Light and Love
Jackie
Sources
Amazing Workplaces.com
Drexter, Peggy, Not in Your Head; Mean Girl Bosses are More Common Than We Think, Juen 30, 2014, Hellogiggles.com
Forbes, The Best Way to Deal with a Mean Girl at Work, March 18, 2013, Forbes.com
Nelson, Audrey, Are women Queen Bees?, October 1, 2016, Psychology Today, psychologytoday.com
Neurolaunch, Mean Girl Behavior: Identifying, Addressing and Overcoming Toxic Social Dynamics, September 22, 2024, Neurolaunch Educational Team, Neurolaunch.com
